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But as I back into my fourth attempt to tackle the topic, I have begun regretting having agreed to it. It is not easy. There are too many Hispanic Texans in this state for one person to attempt to capture their feelings toward their state. The only things I can tell you about without fear that I'll get them .wrong are my own feelings, my conflicting emotions, which may or may not be shared by other Texas Mexicans and will almost definitely be shared by the new immigrants from Central America. Each of us has been shaped and influenced by our environment,, our families and by events in our. lives, so the Texas Hispanic population is about as monolithic as its Anglo or African-American counterparts. Texans first The one unifying factor is that we are aii Texans iirsi ana Mexicans, Nicaraguans, etc., second. We have chosen this :state as our home and it has our loyalty, if there is such a thing anymore. Our skin may be darker, ouir accent a bit more pronouncedl, and for some, our language may still be Spanish, but that makes us nc, less Texan than the sons and daughters of the Republic of Texas. It may be a cliche, but some of us can claim ancestors who w ere here way before Sam Houstor I had even heard of Texas, so they <=ould claim to be more Texan. At the same time, however, many of us can't help -feeling ; i bit alienated from the great Texa: myth. For many of us, Texas I vas a state of obstruction before it became a state of opportunity. Can you blame me, for Inst; ince, if I cringe with horror everytin ne I hear the words Texas Rangers when I can still remember the it brutal tactics in keeping Mexi( =ans in their place not too terribly 1, ong ago? Can you blame me if cowbc )Ys have never been my heroes, i1 I can't get too excited about the rodeo or other cowboy extravaganzas because I still I lave vivid memories of men in wee stern gear dropping by in their air- conditioned Cadillacs to checl { on us while my family and I toile, d away in their fields at 40 cent: 3 an Can you blame me if I don't get all mushy when I see a white baby because it reminds me of the baby my mother once took care of for $30 a week? Can you blame me if I can't easily forget a public school systei that catered to its Anglo populatio even though Anglos made up abo, 5 percent of the total? Go ahead and say it: "That Palomo sure is a bitter fellow." But.before you write me off as e, embittered person living in the past, let me tell you about the oth, side of my life as a Texan. Another side Let me tell you about the wonderful town of San Marcos where 1 went to college and discovered that not all whites are like the South Texans I grew up with — where political coalitions were more often than not formed around issues, not race. Let me tell you about one San Marcan in particular, a sixth - generation Texan named Bob Barton, who hasn't a bigoted bon in his body and who is still teachir me lessons in tolerance. Let me tell you about a white family I once lived with in that town to save on rent money, whc treated me as a member of the family and listened to me withou ever once patronizing me. Let me tell you about the maw white friends rhave made in Houston, and about the hundred, of white Houstonians who have written and called since I began this column to offer praise, criticism and encouragement. It doesn't matter To all these people, it never mattered that I was a Mexican - American. It mattered only that was a thinking, feeling human being, doing my darnedest to do what Texans do best: survive an succeed. These are the people who hax molded me, along with my 1,,7, and the other people 1 grew up with and, yes, even the bigots I hated as a kid. These are the people who hay made me the Texan that 1 am.